Motherhood, Am I Doing This Right?

I’m sitting here at the top floor of my first blogging event in Portland. I was excited to cover the BabyFest Northwest because it was one where they reached out to me, which made me feel like I was starting to gain more ground on the local social media scene.

But now that I’m here, all I can think about is the unhappy guy at home, my sweet Logan. He woke up to find the babysitter already in his house and with the news that in about 20 minutes I would be leaving. It was a sad goodbye where he was crying and was begging me not to leave. (“Don’t LEAVE MEEEEE!”)

sad-baby

Keep in mind, Logan is six going on 16. He was in daycare starting at 7 months old and continued until Kindergarten. He usually isn’t this dramatic when it comes to departures. But today was hard. My theory on how to approach such situations is to rip off the bandaid and once the parents have left, things get so much better. Usually this is the case, but shortly after I arrived at the shower, the sitter called.

It was Saturday, so Logan had a baseball game. Since neither my husband nor I would be home, I arranged for another family to take him to and from the game.

Being the forgetful mom that I am, I left the house this morning without setting out his baseball gear. The sitter called asking if I knew where his equipment was. It dawned on me. Oh no, it was in the back of my Jeep.

The sitter passed the phone to the dad who was going to shuttle Logan to baseball. The dad wanted to know if I wanted him to push Logan to go.

By now I’m standing in a back storage room of the event space, finger in one ear, phone in the other. “Let him decide what he wants to do, but make sure he understands that once he makes that choice, he has to stick with it.”

Then I get to talk to Logan. He’s nearly hysterical and blubbers to me that he didn’t eat the bacon I made him for breakfast because he was still mad at me for leaving. *sigh* We talk about the baseball choices, he says he’d rather stay home. So home it was.

We hang up the phone. I just take a pause.

I’m sitting at this babyfest surrounded by, well, babies and not only is it hard not to get baby fever as all of these wiggle worms are all strapped to their mommies, but knowing that my baby is not doing well at home, I’m thinking. What am I doing here? Didn’t I quit my full-time job so that I wouldn’t have to choose between career stuff and my family? Freelancing and blogging were supposed to make this juggle less hectic. Even though it’s much better than before, am I making the right choices?

Sure today is just one event and it’s not like he’s going to be scarred forever for the time I didn’t remember his baseball equipment. But it’s funny how in motherhood you’re always asking: Am I doing the right thing?

If I had skipped the event, I would have regretted it and wished that while folding laundry or picking up toys that I was networking with businesses and other bloggers. So either way I guess I would have had regrets.

I suppose that the best thing is to have fun with the choice that I made and know that in the end, everything will work out fine. I truly believe it always does.

*I wrote this while at the BabyFest Northwest. After feeling conflicted, I found some quiet space amid nursing mamas and decided to write out my feelings because it’s how I process things. After that last line, I snapped my laptop closed and started networking. I have to say I’m so glad I did, I met some really inspiring people who are doing exciting and innovative things. Not to mention I clicked with a lot of folks and they gave me their number so we could go have coffee sometime. Also, Logan had a great day hanging at home. See? I was right, everything did work out fine in the end.

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4 Responses to Motherhood, Am I Doing This Right?

  1. Oh Melanie…I don’t think there is much us mommas do that doesn’t come with guilt. Just when I feel like a seasoned momm with everything figured out life pounds me with a lesson. I am happy you stayed. I am with you on so much of this. Leave and it does get better and stick to your guns even when the guilt is tough. I too often find that wonderful opportunities and things await us when we pick just a little bit of us time. I also strongly feel that it is important for our children to see and know why we make these choices and that it is ok for us to do things that are important for and to us too. You did good momma!!!! XOXOXOXXO

    • sheswrite says:

      Aw, thanks lady! One of the many great things about blogging is that when you write about your insecurities so many people step up and say, hey! It’s all good, you’re wonderful! So thanks a lot. I too am happy I stayed, it’s a crazy tug of war with time and motherhood: Spend quality time with the kids, have me time, oh yeah, and I have a husband, um, what’s his name again?

      But yes, no one is perfect and I too think it’s important for our kids to know why we make our choices and also for them to see us struggle with it because that’s part of life, isn’t it? I shared this with Logan and he really took it in. I like the open communicative relationship we have, I just hope it lasts especially through the teen years! Miss ya babe!

  2. Tracey says:

    Sigh. It’s never easy, but putting ourselves first instead of them and their schedules shows our kids that they are NOT the center of the universe, and that we are actually human beings, too.

    • sheswrite says:

      Wait, what? You, Tracey are human? Um, I missed that memo. With all that you juggle, I thought you were more of the superhuman species. :) I do agree that it’s good to show them that they’re not the center of our universe and also our imperfections as moms. Some people, understandably, get too caught up in the attempt to be perfect, which is exhausting. I’m tired just trying to keep my head above water. In fact, I’ve already warned Logan this won’t be the last time I forget his baseball equipment and that he needs to do a better job of making sure he has what he needs for his own activities.

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